Spa Day? No thanks, I have a Colonoscopy.

Written by: KR

Updated: November 9th, 2022

Life is what you make it. Not sure who said that but it’s working for me.

I am a 41 year old mother of three, a Middle School Teacher, and I have an Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Originally diagnosed in 2012 with proctitis, I guess the rest of my colon got jealous so I managed to upgrade my diagnosis to full blown Ulcerative Colitis by 2014. Through a series of medical treatments, a few sharts, and a wonderful GI Team I have been flare free through the use of Humira and a good dose of humour since May of 2018, which for me is ah-freaking-mazing.

Prior to my diagnosis in 2012 I had never had a colonoscopy (though I had done my fair share of listening to fellow teachers belly ache about it during glamourous staff room lunches). Those that did elect to share made it sound like they had survived a near death experience and clearly could not read my disinterested and unsympathetic face. And I will admit, if one focuses on the preparatory magnesium-citrate drink (I even tried to use shooter glasses to simulate a good time) and the unfortunate fasting and diet-altering that needs to occur in the days leading up, I suppose you could have a couple of complaints about the procedure. However, I made a decision years ago to ‘re-frame’ the dreaded appointment that has worked swimmingly and so I felt obliged to share!

As previously mentioned I have three adorable children who accost the majority of my time and resources. Likewise, I have a rewarding profession teaching young minds who drain the little I have left in me. In short, I often find myself desperately wanting some ‘me’ time which I will take in any form. Enter the Colonoscopy appointment!

To be fair, the majority of my butt invasions come in the form of a regular sigmoidoscopy or its street name the “Flex-Sig”.

This is sort of a dumbed down version of the full colonoscopy in that you don’t have to drink the mystery drink and you only have to violate yourself with TWO enemas a few hours prior. Nonetheless, it is a commitment not to be taken lightly and which, in my opinion, can only be made better with a good mani and some dialed in brows.

Usually my “flex-sigs” occur in a circumstance in which I can choose what time of day I’d like to see my butt on the large screen. If given the choice I always choosethe early afternoon so that I can slide in some other body issues that deserve equal attention. Once the medical appointment time has been locked down I get to work setting up additional and well deserved appointments for aesthetic work (mani, pedi, brow wax, etc.) but I don’t stop there! Nearby the hospital is a great outlet store and one mustarrive in comfort and style. There I select some form of ‘leisure wear’ and perhaps anything else that catches my eye! I’m pretty certain I’ve read somewhere in the preparation pamphlet that a good handbag can ease the experience?!

Far too many times I have witnessed fellow GI patients fussing with too many layers, buttons, and other complications to attend to. Unless your colon is applying, it’s not a job interview. Think simple, streamlined style and if you find yourself too cold why not request the straight-from-heaven heated blanket service; is there anything better than giving yourself a warm fleecy blankety hug before a rude awakening involving ultrasound gel?

Though my judgement may seem harsh my motives stretch beyond vanity.

My point is simply to treat yourself a little to balance out the harsh reality that you are going to have a pressure- inducing camera up your hoop and subsequent uncontrollable gas afterwards! For me, as I put the pieces back together once the procedure is over, if I am looking down at toenails that look like candies I feel as though I am in control. If aesthetics aren’t your deal perhaps a good book is in order? Just imagine rolling out of the recovery fog and knowing a crisp, new release is waiting to be read. Perhaps a hot shave? It is all too easy to become the victim of the unavoidable colonoscopy but with some self-care in mind and scheduling the right day around it you can create a day worthy of reflection (though still not interesting enough to report at the lunch table!)

Eat. Love. Poop.